Recently I’ve been fairly busy doing something most people should do, and that’s living. That’s right, I’ve been getting out among the world and freaking living. The descendents put it best when they yelled the line of “I’ve been living this Walter Mitty life for too long” and as a result of wanting to break a lifeless mould, I’ve been active in doing things that can only be summed up as awesome. So as a result I have been neglecting grrrls bike by accident, but I’m sure in your heart there a small spot or zone where you easily forget smelly punks as myself.
But I assure you as a result of this living, there is a new set of awkward stories and weird and hilarious situations, like the next story which I like to call:
Sexual Harassment Sandwich
It was 10am on a Wednesday and I had to meet my mother in Parramatta for breakfast, before driving her to a swagger of material shops for her alterations racket that she has running from her house at the central coast. It was a bright hot summer morning, I was feeling tired from a maximum of 4 hours sleep from having too much fun the night before, but the prospect of a free breakfast always fuels reasons to attack the world at such an early hour. We met on the bottom floor of a mega shrine to consumerism mall and settled on sandwiches to start the day.
We walked over to a regular looking sandwich shop where I looked upon the boards to choose the sliced bread meal of my liking. When the woman running the store came up and asked;
"So what are you having this morning sexy?"
'Huh?' I instantly thought. Did she say that? Sexy? What? Me? Huh? I was instantly caught off guard. The woman was in her mid 40's, wearing a hairnet and apron with coke bottle glasses on. I just responded with a confused look, jaw dropped to the floor and a loss of thought in relation to my choice of sandwich… which was Turkey on Turkish bread, but that's beside the point! My mother who was next to me just laughed it off, whilst I turned red from slight embarrassment. The shop owner then moved onto my mother and asked;
"So what do you want pretty lady? Is this your son? Pretty woman makes sexy son!"
Where the crap was this shit coming from? I would’ve been much sharper in snapping back some quips that would’ve zinged her sass mouth back to the middle ages, but I was just perplexed by this 40 year old woman’s sexual demeanour in relation to a semi hung over punk so early in the morning! Maybe I was too tired to respond and was easily confused from the lack of sleep, but one thing I know for sure… these sandwiches were not going to be made with love, but rather with menopausal hot hands dipped in cranberry sauce.
Eventually I made my order, which was promptly made and then toasted. But with the wait for the sandwich to be crisped to golden brown perfection, I had to endure more crazy advances. The menopausal, coke bottle glasses wearing 40 year old sandwich shop owner was making a chicken schnitzel sandwich for my mother when she asked;
"Is there anything else? A sandwich for a girlfriend perhaps?"
"Err… no. Wait, wha? I mean ye… no? huh? No" I replied, confused and lost colliding into one mixed emotion that was worn so easily on my face. Holy crap! I think there really should be a call to the health inspector at fear of mishandling of cold meats… because this all was getting way out of hand. I just awkwardly stood there not saying a thing at all during the whole transaction, merely because I had no idea what the fudge was going on! I instantly lost my appetite and just paid for my sandwich and quickly skidded off in the opposite direction of the crazy sandwich shop.
I did eventually eat that sandwich, but it had a way of planting awkward thoughts in my head. I felt violated whilst I calmed my hunger pains with the Turkey on Turkish bread, and that is the last thing you want to have in your head whilst eating breakfast. Awkward. Awkward times awkward. I just hope that would just be the extent of that shop owners customer service, because I am never going to be a willing participant to see where that would lead.